So much… But not enough

I have so much on my mind. There’s so much I want to do, but not enough time. I have learned so much but but I am not in a position to where I can apply my knowledge. I work 3 to 4 days a week, 13 to 14 hour shifts. My days off are spent recuperating and doing homework. When I am working, I am task oriented, caring for my patients. There is no opportunity or time for advancing or pursuing a leadership position where I work.

I want to volunteer. I want to make a difference. I want to do great things to improve the lives of others. But there is no time or opportunity to even work on my communication skills. I have no time to give to others, and I hate that.

I want to buy a house or maybe build one. But I don’t know where I’m going to work, so I have to wait.

Yes, this is temporary. But it seems time is slipping by and I am getting old. I’ll be 48 after I graduate. I should have started a long time ago. I feel like I may be too late. I still have so much to grow and learn and do.

I want to join a church, and a fellowship. I want to be closer to God, but my husband hates that and he says I have no time. He doesn’t understand my desire for these things. He doesn’t understand why I want God to be first in my life and he doesn’t want to hear my explanation. This is a huge struggle.

I want to trust God to lead me and believe that I am doing his will. But mostly I feel selfish by spending all my time doing schoolwork. Is this the life God intended for me? God says not to worry and not to lean on my own understanding, but to trust him. This is one of the hardest things because I don’t know what it is I’m supposed to be doing. I just feel like I’m never doing enough and I should be doing more to serve God and others, rather than spending all my time working and studying.

There’ss so much more I want to do. But I do not know what to do, and all I have time for now is to think about these things and wish I could be doing them. So writing it down, gets it out of my head in a sense. But also brings it all into perspective. If I die before I can do any of these things, atleast I had good intentions. I think not knowing what or where my future lies is the most frustrating.

So for now, I will continue to grow my knowledge and hope that I will be able to use it for good someday. I will continue to seek God and hope that he has a plan for me.  I can’t just continue wandering aimlessly wishing and wanting to do so much more when I haven’t completed the current task.

Like a bird I wander aimlessly

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