Life, suffering, death, hope

They say that in order to have faith in the future, we need to look at how far we’ve come. It has been over a year since I blogged last and I was just thinking about all that has happened over the last year.

Some things are the same. I am still in school with 7 months to go. I am still an A student. I’m still married, barely. I just started working out more regularly about 2 months ago. I’ve gained 28 pounds in 2 years. That’s what happens when exercise is not made a priority. But minor changes and positive mindset will get me back. It’s about perseverance which I’ve had to put into practice alot over the last year. Hope and faith have also kept me going.

I’m surviving Covid. But I hate it, I hate what its done to those that have suffered from it. I hate what its done to families. I hate what’s it has done to our economy.  I’ve taken care of several positive patients without contracting it myself. I have been blessed so far, but I am saddened and sickened for those it has affected. One Covid + patient was in the hospital for 2 weeks. He was very sick, young (50s), no history. He was intubated, proned, on continuous dialysis, several pressors. One day, God called him home… We tried to not let him go. He had fought for so long. I performed CPR, compressions several times, we shocked him, nothing worked. After 2 weeks, he just kept getting worse until there was no coming back. He had other plans, hopefully to be with Jesus. It was a sad day for us though. It was a sad day for his parents, who couldn’t come see him. It actually sucked… Alot. I usually don’t cry when my patients die, but I did this time.

My mother-in-law shot herself in the head in November. The day before my husband’s birthday and 2 days before Thanksgiving. It was planned. (We found out later).My husband talked to her the night before and she seemed fine. He talked to her everday. That has been a sad, stressful, depressing occurrence, especially for my husband. Try being the only support person in his life. She was in much pain and on alot of pills. She wanted to be in control of how she died. I’m angry about in some senses. Especially when I think about the Covid guy who fought to stay alive and so many others. It is mind boggling to me and I often ask why some people get to live and others suffer so long before finally dying. I try to remember what God says about not leaning on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6), and that He has a plan for everything and I am to trust him with all my heart. This is not always easy but I need to believe it, for my own mind and spirit.

I survived major vein surgery in October. My venous ulcers and lower legs were hurting so bad I couldn’t take it anymore. The surgeon removed veins from both legs. I was in major pain for 2 weeks after, but the pain is better now. However, the ulcer still hasn’t completely healed. If I don’t wear compression stockings, my legs swell and burn. The other painful part of this was the $6000.00 bill I had to pay after insurance. I wasn’t expecting that. Luckily, I had the money, but ouch! I was going to buy another dirt bike for my husband with that money 😏

The holidays came and went. I worked most of them. It was difficult to try to be happy and cheerful when my husband was sad, angry, and full of regret, missing his mom. But we made it through.

Those are biggest major events that have happened over the last year. Nothing else seems very significant after talking about that. I am blessed and I have hope, and I will continue to persevere.

Thank you God for another day!

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